This weekend Matt and I are having the opportunity to go and run a 10K together. We don't get to go and run at races much these days, especially both of us together. We are excited and thankful at the same time. In running, I usually prefer the longer distances as I am not a fast runner. I have run 4 half-marathons and hope to run another one in the near future if time allows.
As Caleb is getting close to 1 1/2 years old and really starting to change and show more opinions on things, I have really been having to sit down and evaluate my own heart. One of the things at this point in his life that is frustrating for him and us as parents is the fact that he can only communicate with sign language, a few verbal words and lots of non-verbals. This makes things interesting and hard to manage at times.
I have recently been convicted that I do not persevere very well in life and situations, especially if it is not going the way I had planned. Each day this is heightened if Caleb is stepping out of the expectations that I have for him. However, I also have realized that one of the reasons that Caleb is very draining for me is that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I have no background with children. I hardly babysat and so each day that I navigate being a parent, I get more frustrated because I have the fear that I am not doing it well. Which brings up another area of my life that I believe God is continually working on -- pride.
Growing up I was very successful at most things I did in life and if I did not do well at something I would just not do it. Some of this has to do with my personality of being an ideas person and only staying with something for a short while, however, a lot of it has to do with my heart. I am prideful and do not want to fail at things in life, including being a parent. Even though I have no idea what I am doing. For me, the easy thing to do right now would be to find a full time job and let someone else guide my child, but I feel that God has given me this opportunity so that he can change me and grow me in these areas through Caleb. Believe me, I have to repent of grumbling quite often and keep reminding myself that this is what God has planned for me and that it is a blessing! Why does the grass always look greener on the other side? :)
Matt finds it fun and intriguing that after Caleb goes to bed 3 out of the 7 evenings, I go and bake or cook something. This is an outlet for me. It is something I enjoy doing and I know how to do it! Furthermore, it produces something yummy with instant results. Unlike parenting...which I would prefer to be more like a short 5K run with fast results. However, I know that it will not be this way which is why I need to keep trusting in God and praying for strength and patience. I also need others to come around me and remind me of all the good things that we get to experience with our children. The amount of love you can have for a little one is simply unexplainable and for this I am grateful.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." - Hebrews 12:1